Depending on how your marriage ended, the notion of working together to co-parent your children may seem like an ironic suggestion. But it is important how parents work together after divorce. However, since your kids’ lives will be eventful and ever-changing, effective communication will be imperative to working together as parents following a divorce.
The Kids Come First
Co-parenting works from the mindset of both parents putting the needs of their children ahead of all other concerns. While this reality may cause feelings of unease, it’s important to remember that putting the children first does not mean never taking care of yourself or addressing your own goals.
A good first step to working together with a former spouse as parents should be to address any power imbalances in your relationship. Effective co-parents have to share power evenly to maintain your family’s dynamic; nobody wants a situation where the kids start playing the parents against each other for personal benefit, for example.
This also means that certain subjects, such as extracurricular activities and visitation rights, will likely need to be reconsidered and evaluated on a regular basis. Doing so effectively requires both parents to have the freedom to address those topics without worrying about being undercut at any point.
Put Resentment Away
Your feelings are important, especially during intense periods of time like a divorce. It’s important to work through any negative feelings so you can be open to new relationships and be able to maintain the current ones.
To put it simply, this is a difficult step for many people to take during a divorce. The ending of a marriage can lead to complex feelings of resentment, anger, and bitterness, all of which can lead to negative impacts on every aspect of your life. It’s important to give yourself permission to feel those feelings while also working to make peace with the causes of those feelings, especially if you plan on having the people behind those feelings in your life.
This may require therapy, either for yourself or with your former spouse. And remember to be patient; even post-divorce relationships take time to be established, so don’t be afraid of the building process.
Keep the Kids Out Of Your Battles
Even the best relationships get rocky once in a while. And when they do, it’s important for the children not to get caught in the middle. When you start venting about your former spouse to your children, you’re giving them permission to inherit your frustrations and take them out on the same target.
But since you shouldn’t get your children in the middle of your fights and disagreements, you need to find an acceptable way to get your feelings out in a healthy way. Typical methods include exercise, therapy, or just talking to a trusted friend that won’t act out on your behalf.
Doing right by the people you love and trust means finding the best way to express your feelings, odd and complicated as they can get.
Ready to Co-Parent?
Want to learn more about successful co-parenting? Contact Jacobson and Jacobson PLLC today.
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